Second Chances
by xsweetsms6x
Summary: Shawn and Juliet's life together is crumbling around them because of a horrific turn of events that leaves Shawn different. As Juliet tries to heal him, and their marriage an old face reappears and death threats begin. Whump and Shules smut later chapts
1. Chapter 1

Juliet shifted from one foot to another and continued to pound her fists into the punching bag. She ducked and then moved and punched the bag harder as thoughts of her broken life ran rampant in her mind. She dropped her arms to her sides and stopped. She wiped the sweat off of her face as she gulped in breath. She whirled around and walked over to her duffel bag, and slid the gloves off her small hands and threw them inside the bag. She grabbed her bottled water and took a healthy swig.

"You okay?" she looked over to her friend and boss Chief Karen Vick who was running on the treadmill.

"Fine why chief?"

"I don't know it seems you were really taking out some frustrations on that punching bag."

"Maybe I was a little." she chuckled as she climbed onto the treadmill next to her and started the machine on a fast motion and began jogging.

"Care to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Is it about Shawn?" Juliet tightened her lips together and continued to run without saying much. Her ponytail swung behind her back and forth and the only sound was their breathing and their feet pounding the treadmill in rhythm. "Okay don't tell me."

"Shawn sent me divorce papers last night." she snapped out as she continued to control her breathing. She could hear the chief's breath catch she was clearly caught unaware of the shambles her marriage had become.

"I'm sorry Juliet." Juliet felt tears burn at the backs of her eyes. This wasn't how she imagined her life would be going. When she married Shawn it had been forever. She didn't think anything could tear them apart. They had gone through his big secret at one point in her life she thought that would be the thing that ended them. But it hadn't. They worked through it together and became stronger then ever. And then….a year ago happened and now she was losing everything she held dear. "I thought he'd want to save his marriage." the chief whispered bringing her back to the present. Juliet felt the oxygen clog behind the lump in her throat, and she angrily hit the control panel on the treadmill and it came to sudden halt.

"He doesn't want to save himself, not along our marriage." she panted, desperately trying to control the sadness inside her. She didn't know how much longer she could hold onto him. "I just don't know how to help him chief." she whispered as tears threatened but she rapidly blinked her eyes refusing to allow them to slide down her cheeks again.

"He doesn't want you to help him. He doesn't want anyone to help him. He's trying to push you, and his family, and everyone that cares about him away."

"If he would just talk to me, or to anyone he might be able to put what happened behind him."

"We tried Juliet. We have tried tough love, we tried gentle pushing, and we even sprung an intervention of sorts on him along with a psychiatrist. But in the end it did nothing except further push him away from not only you but his friends as well."

"I do not accept that I cannot help Shawn."

"I know that you don't want to hear this Juliet, but you need to face the facts that your marriage is over. You can't make him stay married to you."

"Well I can make it a bitch to divorce me." she sniffed. "I can prolong it as long as I need too."

"Sweetheart I know that you don't want to give up on him, but prolonging the divorce proceedings might just make it worse."

"No how can it possibly make it worse? If I sign those divorce papers Shawn will completely disappear from my life and I won't be able to help him in any way."

"I don't think you can."

"Oh my God chief you are giving up on Shawn!" Juliet did feel the tears fall down her cheeks now. She whirled away from the chief and stomped over to her duffel bag. She didn't need to stand there and listen to this. She felt a hand on her shoulder.

"I am NOT giving up on him. But what I am saying is maybe the only way to save Shawn is to let him go."

"You want me to let my husband go. I can't do that!"

"O'Hara you think it's easy for me to watch Henry going through this, or you? Shawn is doing everything he can to push everyone that cares about him away. Maybe if he's truly alone maybe it will show him that he needs you guys."

"And what if that doesn't work Karen? What if that only serves to fuel Shawn's demons? What if I lose him completely?" she demanded as a sob escaped her, and she clenched her mouth shut tighter refusing to allow another out.

"I'm sorry honey. I am truly sorry but there is no easy answer."

"I just wish he'd talk to me. I know that if he could just talk to me I know I could help. I know that it wouldn't hurt him so much anymore if he'd just let me help him." she closed her eyes as the chief wrapped her arms around her and tried to soothe her.

"I know. But you can't save him, if he doesn't want to be saved." she knew that in the back of her head, but she also knew that Shawn did want to be saved. She saw it the last time she saw him as he was moving out of their condo together. She had wanted to weep when she looked into his expressive hazel eyes. They looked haunted, bleak, and void of all warmth. But as he looked at her as he was making his way to the door, she saw a glimmer of the man she knew, the man that had been taken from everyone including Shawn himself. It was gone as fast as it came but she knew he didn't really want to go.

Shawn loved her, he couldn't deny it. Just like how she loved him. They belonged together, they were destined to be together and she wasn't going to give up on him ever. If he thought she would then he clearly wasn't thinking straight. She knew if she just could get past the armor he wore to keep everyone out, and the demons that were trying to destroy him she could find the man she loved. She could reach Shawn she knew it, and maybe just maybe she could save him. She knew he'd never quite be the same man he used to be but she didn't care. She loved him. Shawn Spencer owned her heart no matter how many times he tried to give it back to her.

"I'll never give up." she whispered as she pulled out of the hug with the chief. "I'll never give up on him. I don't know how too." the chief nodded her head.

"I get it. And if I were in your shoes with my husband I don't think I'd give up either. But Juliet you might be fighting a losing battle."

"You are right chief it is a battle and a battle I intend on winning."

"Okay, what do you need me to do to help?"

"I don't know as of yet chief, but when I do I will gladly take you up on your offer." She smiled at her and they walked out of the gym and headed towards the showers.

"Ya know you should have thought this through." Shawn smirked as the big man that weighed over hundred pounds more then he did and stood taller by almost a foot pulled his arm back, and then slammed it forward directly into his abdomen. Shawn gasped as he could hear a rib crack and breathing became a lot more labored. Shawn laughed to piss the guy off. Shawn was helpless with his arms held behind his back by the big man's thugs.

"STOP IT WALLY!" Shawn could hear a woman screaming in the background. Shawn grunted as the man buried his fist into his abdomen once more. "STOP IT NOW!" he could hear the sirens in the background. "I CALLED THE COPS!"

"You are lucky boy, next time keep your damn mouth shut." Shawn gasped as they dropped him onto the ground. He landed on his knees and hands and gulped in breath. He heard some laughter and felt a harsh kick in the gut, he moaned as he laid on the ground and curled up in a ball. He could hear the sounds of footsteps grow closer, and he tensed ready to protect himself.

"Are you alright?" he relaxed a little when he realized it was the waitress from the bar, and not three huge guys coming back to beat the hell out of him.

"Fine." Shawn forced out between clenched teeth as he held his side. His breath was coming out in pants and he knew that he most likely had a cracked rib. Shawn rolled onto his back and eyed the woman.

"You shouldn't have pissed off Wally and his stupid sidekicks." she said quietly.

"Well they were rough housing you."

"They do that all the time." She sighed and he sat up when he heard the sirens growing closer.

"You called the cops?"

"Yeah, and an ambulance is on the way. I think you might have a cracked rib or something you are breathing heavy." He shook his head and needed to leave before they tried to take him to a hospital. He hated doctors he didn't want anyone to touch him ever again.

"Like I said I am fine." He slowly got to his feet and he groaned in agony as his body felt like it had been used as a punching bag. He looked up and groaned angrily as the cops arrived, as well as the ambulance. This was all the stupid waitress' fault. Shawn closed his eyes as the officers climbed out of their squad cars. Just his luck it had to be an officer he knew.

"Shawn!" he eyed Buzz McNab as he came over. "We got a call saying that men were involved in a fight."

"Yeah there were three men on this guy right here." Shawn glared at the woman that had to have called them.

"Okay what happened?"

"This here nice man just told them to speak to me with respect and the jerks took exception to that. Wally and his little buddies are always treating the staff like shit, and I knew they were ready to cause a fight in the bar but Brandon the owner stopped it. I watched as this here honey went to leave, the three musketeers followed him out. I knew that he was going to eat some fist, so that's why I called you. I tried to get them off of him, and unfortunately I couldn't before they did some damage." Shawn eyed the woman with distain as she gave him a once over. He shifted his look to Buzz who was looking at him with concern. He saw the paramedics running over towards him and panic began bubbling up.

"Look Buzz I am fine."

"I have to make a police report. Miss do you know these men's names? This clearly was an assault."

"You bet your ass I know who they are. Walter Cochran, Dean Ranchard, and Neil Anderson they each have given their names multiple times to various of us waitresses all to get told to go kiss off. But this here honey I wouldn't kick to the curb." Shawn rolled his eyes when she winked at him.

"He's married." Buzz cut in.

"Almost divorced actually, but no offense Sally I am not looking for a woman." she smiled and handed him a slip of paper.

"If you change your mind." he nodded and resisted to crumble the paper up in front of her. Why be so outright mean?

"I have more questions for you miss." Buzz said and moved with the woman just as the paramedics came up to him and were opening their cases.

"Get away from me I'm fine." he growled.

"Sir with all due respect you would be able to convince us of that if you weren't doubled over in apparent pain, and weren't bleeding from gashes on your face." the female paramedic said with a slight condescending tone, and grabbed his arm. He recoiled from her touch.

"I said get AWAY from me." he clamped down on the fear. Anyone with ears could hear the panic in his voice. The paramedics eyed him a little.

"That there honey could have a cracked rib they were really pounding away at his stomach region." Shawn glared at the waitress who thought she was helping him. Buzz looked at him, but resumed his questioning of the waitress.

"Sir you need medical attention. If you do have a cracked rib it could puncture a lung, not to mention you might have a concussion." the female paramedic scolded.

"What I need is you to stay the hell away from me. I'm fine." he dragged in short breaths and tried to turn from them.

"Where are you going?" Shawn found himself caught between Buzz, and the paramedics.

"I'm leaving Buzz."

"Shawn this is an assault."

"I don't want to press charges. I just want to be left alone." Shawn whispered as he tried to walk away from them. He felt dizzy and he stumbled a little. Buzz grabbed a hold of him. Shawn resisted the urge to shout at the tall goofy officer.

"I'll just take him home." Buzz smiled towards the paramedics. They nodded clearly unhappy that they couldn't take him in the ambulance. Shawn wanted to pump his fist in victory when the two began backpedaling picking up their cases to held back to the ambulance.

"T-thanks Buzz." he whispered through clenched teeth as an agonizing sharp pain split across his side. He gasped in a short breath.

"Are you sure you shouldn't go to the hospital Shawn?"

"Fine." he blew out of his nostrils getting sick and tired of having to answer the same question. Shawn tried to shrug off the officer's hands but he refused to let go. "You can l-let go now Buzz."

"No I am taking you home."

"My motel room is next door to here." he motioned towards the motel that was about fifty yards away. "I can walk."

"Please Shawn let me." Shawn sighed, but decided if it would make Buzz just leave faster then he would suffer being stuck in the same car with him. Shawn took slow steps and Buzz never forced him to go faster. And he thanked god that the man shut up. Shawn wasn't in the mood to talk to him, or to anyone for that matter. Buzz opened the back seat. He cocked a brow.

"You can lay down if it will help your side." he smiled. Shawn nodded and climbed in and did stretch across the entire backseat. He grabbed at his side, as he tried to take some deep breaths. He needed some aspirin and he would be fine. Buzz shut the door and hurried on the other side. Buzz climbed in and he felt Buzz start the car. Shawn closed his eyes for a moment, and when the car seemed to be driving further then it should he reopened them.

"Buzz?"

"Yes Shawn?"

"You passed the motel." he said quietly as he watched through the window.

"Yes that's not your home. Your home is with Juliet."

"Damn it let me out of here." he shouted as Buzz continued to drive.

"Or you could go to the hospital? Either or Shawn."

"Are you kidding me right now! BUZZ LET ME OUT OF HERE!" Shawn shouted ignoring that pain in his side that made him want to double over.

"Why?"

"Why this is, this is kidnapping!" he should have seen this coming. He normally would have, and had he not been in so much damn pain from the rib he would have seen it. Buzz played a trick on him, and he would never be fooled again.

"Actually no Shawn its not. I am just taking you home like you requested."

"My home is at the motel."

"No its not. You can't fool me Shawn. I was the one you came to way back about the time she was dating Declan. I knew you guys would end up together."

"Buzz our marriage is OVER." he panted as he grabbed the door handle and yanked and beat his hand against the door in anger when it didn't budge.

"No its not. How can it be over when you two love each other so much."

"I don't love her anymore." he lied. He was good at lying. Maybe if he could convince Buzz he didn't love Juliet maybe he could get out this predicament he was in. He couldn't see Juliet it took too much in him to stay away from her. And he needed to stay away for her own good. He was toxic, he was a god damn ticking time bomb and once he blew he would not take her with him. She deserved much better then that.

"I know that's not true. If you would just let her be there for you maybe she could help you." he closed his eyes and refused to argue with him.

"Take me home Buzz."

"I am."

"Not to Juliet!" he shouted and grabbed at his side when it did nothing more then aggravate his injury more, then slow down Buzz. He watched in anger as they pulled up to the condo he had left not so long ago. Panic bubbled up. He couldn't see her. It was easy to think of divorcing her when she wasn't around, but when she was he could almost pretend that he could be the man she needed. But then he would remember, and he would know that he wasn't the man he used to be, and surely she would come to hate him as much as he hated himself.

"I'll be back in a jiffy Shawn. You get to pick here, or the hospital." he smiled and exited the car. Shawn punched the back in anger, and cursed Buzz. Both options sucked for separate reasons. He eyed Buzz as he walked unhurriedly towards their front door. He closed his eyes not wanting to see his perfect wife. He smiled when an idea came to him. He knew how to get what he wanted, it would hurt Juliet in the process which would be perfect. If he could hurt and destroy any love she felt for him she'd surely move on, and he could just waste away by himself, that way no one would be hurt by him ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

Carlton stared at his laptop, as the case that haunted him and everyone else was eating away at him. O'Hara never accused him of anything, never placed any blame onto him at all and neither did Spencer himself. But he, Carlton Lassiter, blamed himself for the tragedy of what became of Shawn Spencer. The wounded hero that truly was broken in every way was because of him. Spencer was the way he was now all because of his immaturity and need to one up Spencer. He had hated Spencer and O'Hara being married, even refused to acknowledge her new letterhead deliberately calling her O'Hara in front of Spencer. Which made Spencer none to pleased but he never said anything, they had continued their usual sparring where he questioned Spencer's validity and Spencer continued to mock his detective skills. Carlton had even on occasion made O'Hara's life hell where she literally had to choose between him and her new husband. They had been married happily for close to two years before all hell broke loose. Now O'Hara was losing everything she held dear, and he couldn't help but place the blame squarely onto his shoulders.

"Oh Carlton." he looked up when his longtime girlfriend Marlowe entered his study in their small condo. He quickly shut the laptop knowing she saw him looking at the old case file. She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck loosely. "You need to stop obsessing about it."

"I can't Marlowe O'Hara is losing everything because of me."

"How can you even say that? I sure the hell don't believe you are at fault for what happened and neither does Juliet, or Shawn himself. And you know deep down inside no one else does either. Shawn's situation was no one's fault but the people that did it to him. They are the guilty party Carlton not you."

"You don't get it Marlowe I sent them to him!" he pushed away from her warmth. "I sent them to Spencer on purpose. I knew they had a screw loose and I sent them to him anyways because I thought I'd get a good laugh at watching Spencer handle them. Well Spencer was the one handled. Spencer is all fucked up because of me, and nothing you or my partner can say will change how I feel." he shouted at her. Marlowe didn't blink she didn't even bat an eye at the rage in his voice.

"Did you think they were a threat?"

"What difference does that make?"

"All the difference in the world Carlton. DID YOU THINK THEY WOULD HARM SHAWN OR NOT?" she demanded speaking slowly and clearly almost treating him like a child. He narrowed his gaze on her, and any lesser woman would have shrunk away from him and ran in the opposite direction. But not his Marlowe. She truly was his equal.

"No. I thought they were harmless freaks."

"Then how can you blame yourself for what happened? You couldn't have known they were truly that disturbed."

"You don't understand Marlowe I should've known that they were disturbed. I should have checked them out before happily giving Spencer's card. They went there and I should have KNOWN!"

"What that they had been just recently allowed out of the mental institution? Damn it Carlton what will it take for you to stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over?"

"Not a thing Marlowe, because what's worse is when Spencer turned up missing I laughed off O'Hara's and Guster's concern for him. I made JOKES about Spencer meeting his own kind, and the reason why they couldn't find him was because he went back to his home planet."

"Everyone is allowed to make an error Carlton. You are human like everyone else. No one is perfect sweetheart not even you."

"This mistake nearly cost Spencer's life Marlowe! Its not something I can just look past."

"Carlton my love, it's not your fault." her shoulders slumped as if the argument they were having was wearing her out. Maybe it was because it was the same one they have had for months now.

"I never liked Spencer, I literally despised him and hoped like hell he would be caught as a fraud I believe him to be. I think back to when we found him, to the mangled mess he was, and the cool detachment to life he has now. The things he must of went through to turn a man that once was so filled with happiness and life into a man that's miserable and suffering must have been horrific." he angrily wiped the tear that slid down his cheek.

"Carlton, its terrible of what Shawn went through, and it must have been pure hell for him. But nothing so far that you've said to me makes me believe it is your fault. And I will continue to tell you so, till you believe in that."

"I will never believe in that."

"What would it take for you to believe in yourself again Carlton? Would hearing from Shawn himself saying that it wasn't your fault, would you believe him?"

"I don't know Marlowe. I don't know anymore. I just know that I feel like I am half a cop right now. I used to love going there making a difference in the world by taking a dirt bag off the streets to make it a little bit better for the common man. But now I feel like I don't even deserve to wear the badge anymore."

"You are letting the men that did this to Shawn win! The both of you are, Carlton why can't you see that! Shawn is letting them hurt him even from the damn grave. Shawn is literally trying to destroy his life, and you are trying to let guilt for something you had no control over rule yours!"

"Marlowe I get you are trying to help, and I love you for that but please don't argue with me right now I might say something I'll regret." he felt ready to fight and he didn't care if it was with the woman he loved or not.

"I don't want to fight with Carlton. I just want you to find a little peace, I want that for you and Shawn both."

"The only way I can find peace is to help my partner get back her life that is falling in around her, and that includes fixing Spencer."

"You can't FIX him for her Carlton. Its not possible. Shawn needs to want to help himself before anyone of us can." Marlowe said as she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He looked deep into her beautiful eyes and saw the truth in them. He didn't want to hear that but needed too. He knew he couldn't fix Spencer. "Babe, do you know how you could help Juliet?"

"How?" he whispered.

"By being there for her, be the support she needs. She needs you to be strong and be there to help her through this trying time, not for you to bury yourself into guilt and remorse."

"I love you Marlowe."

"And I love you Carlton, you are my world. It hurts me to see you hurting so much. We'll be there for Juliet and Shawn you just got to believe in yourself again." He pulled her into a light kiss and she smiled when she pulled back. "How about you let me give your tired muscles a nice long massage." she purred softly against his lips, and then pulled him behind her towards the bedroom. He eyed his computer, but followed her out of his study and decided to put what happened to Spencer in the back of his mind for tonight.

* * *

"Okay I'm coming." Juliet sighed as she hurried pulling her robe on quietly as she ran to the front door, that someone kept knocking on. She slid the door open just a little and gasped when she saw Buzz. She pulled the door all the way opened and feared the worst.

"What happened?

"I got your husband in the back of my squad car, and I lied to him to get him there."

"What Shawn is here?" she eyed behind Buzz and her heart flipped when she saw a silhouette in the back of the car. She fumbled with her hair. Of course she had to be wearing one of Shawn's old shirts, and a pair of his boxers underneath her robe. Her hair was in a messy ponytail, nothing to wow her husband in submission. "Is Shawn okay?"

"Not really he's hurt. I answered a call to a bar fight and he was on the receiving end of it."

"Oh my god. What happened?"

"Well from what the waitress at the bar told me that he told these three guys to treat her with respect. I guess the men didn't like Shawn telling them what to do so they followed Shawn out of the bar and ganged up on him." she grabbed her mouth. Three men against one!

"What are their names?" Juliet demanded. She would make sure they paid for what they did to Shawn.

"I got their names from the waitress, but Shawn doesn't want to press charges against them."

"Did it happen on the private property owned by the bar?"

"Yeah."

"We can talk to the owner and suggest to him to press charges against the men."

"Oh good idea detective O'Hara." she smiled.

"Now that's cleared up why is Shawn in the back of your squad car, and not in an ambulance on his way to make sure he alright!" she asked concerned for her husband.

"Well that's the thing he refused medical treatment. They think he might have a cracked rib. He also has some gashes along his face. He wanted to walk to his motel room and I offered to take him there."

"I see."

"I tricked him into getting into the back so I could bring him here, or the hospital. I was worried about him."

"You are good friend Buzz."

"Thanks I think I might have lost him as a friend now though." she placed a hand on Buzz's arm as he looked down clearly upset that he had pissed off Shawn.

"Buzz its going to be okay. Shawn won't appreciate what you did right now, but he will once he realizes that you, Gus, myself, and everyone that cares about him aren't going anywhere."

"Is it true when he says that you two are almost divorced?"

"It is, he sent me the papers yesterday."

"I'm sorry Juliet."

"I'm not because I'm not signing them. Go find out if he's coming in or going to the hospital, either way is a win-win for us." she lifted her head to stare past Buzz to the car. He most likely would choose to go to the hospital trying to hurt her in the process by not wanting to see her. But she wasn't going to allow it to hurt, because she knew he would be getting the medical attention he needed. She watched as Buzz turned around and walked away and began towards the car. She eyed him as he entered the squad car. Juliet resisted the urge to run down there and see what was going on. In a matter of a minutes Buzz climbed out once more, and smiled at her.

"He's coming." Her breath clogged in her throat, and her heart beat faster. Her husband was coming home? She couldn't believe it. Just as her hopes climbed she squashed them down. Shawn and her last meeting hadn't gone well, they had gotten into a dreadful argument. She needed a different tactic with him right now. Them arguing over their marriage wasn't helpful, and it only served Shawn to push harder away from her. She needed to gently prod at him about what happened and get to the issue of why he was destroying his life. Once she did that, and got him to open up to her she had no doubt she could convince Shawn that with her love and the love from his family and friends he could bounce back. She went back inside and paced a little unsure of what to do. She stopped mid trek as she was wearing a hole into her carpeted floor, and clamped down on the urge to run to Shawn as he entered slowly with the help of Buzz. Shawn would just recoil or worse decide to leave. Shawn gasped in some deep breaths and she saw his face contorted in pain, and did wish he had gone to the hospital. She would sacrifice being with him, if it meant he would get the attention he needed.

"You should have went to the hospital Shawn." she whispered when Buzz slowly shut the door leaving her husband inside with her. He eyed her as he continued to stand in the foyer. She took small steps slowly moving towards him. His stance was defensive and rigid. He held up his free hand that wasn't holding at his side and she slowed to a halt.

"Stay away Juliet." he snapped as he turned his entire body away from her. She could easily read the body language, that screamed he didn't want her anywhere near him, but she ignored it. She took the last few steps to him, and reached an arm around his waist careful to not bump his side, and she felt him tense against her. "Why don't you listen?" he hissed at her, but the venom in his voice did not intimidate her.

"Let me help you to the couch Shawn." she whispered as she gently began pulling him towards the living room. Shawn was rigid in her arms, but he allowed her to help him to the sofa chair off to the right of the couch. Their steps were slow as she heard him panting in air, knowing he must be in a lot of pain at the moment. He sat down gingerly. She kneeled down in front of him, and pushed his knees apart so she could slide between them. She reached up and his eyes watched her as she began unbuttoning his shirt. His arms hung over the sides of the armrests, and his eyes were half open.

"Stop Juliet." she flicked her gaze up to his eyes and noticed the look in them she saw pain inside them, but something else was swimming in the hazel depths. She ignored his command and continued to unbutton his shirt slowly. She hid a gasp of surprise when he grabbed her hands tightly with his. She stared up at him and he pushed her back. "I need to leave."

"No you don't Shawn. You are injured and need some care."

"I don't need you." he snarled at her as he struggled to get up. She touched his side deciding to ignore his command and see exactly how hurt he was, as she did he let out a loud cry of pain, and he fell instantly back onto the chair.

"Yes you do Shawn you are hurt let me help you."

"That's just it Jules you can't heal me." he growled as he panted in breath. "I don't want you too." she blinked her eyes rapidly to fight the tears that so badly wanted to fall, knowing they weren't talking about the same thing anymore.

"I can heal you Shawn if you would just let me." she pleaded. "I know I can."

"No one can. No one knows." he stopped and Juliet grabbed his face.

"You're right Shawn no one knows what you went through. No one does yet, but if you would just open up about it maybe just maybe you can heal from whatever happened."

"I don't want to heal from it. I don't want to get past it. Juliet I want you to move on just sign the divorce papers right now, and let me go." he snapped. She felt a sob escape her as he pushed her away and forced himself up.

"So what the demons win? I lose the man I love because he can't get past whatever the hell happened to him?"

"You lost the man you loved well before I was rescued." he snapped.

"Bullshit. You are still the same man I married. I love you and I am not giving up on you like you are giving up on yourself."

"Sign the papers I don't want to be married to you anymore."

"Liar."

"I DON'T LOVE YOU JULIET!" he shouted and she stared at him. The pain of those words rocketed up her spine. She closed her eyes. She knew he didn't mean them but it didn't mean it didn't hurt to hear.

"Well I still love you." she whispered as she opened her eyes, and lifted her chin up in defiance. She gazed into his eyes the coldness in them vanished.

"You love a dead man." he whispered almost too soft she almost missed what he said. She shook her head at him.

"No he's not." she slowly stood up and took baby steps towards him. "He's standing right in front of me looking ready to run the first chance he gets."

"You love this fucked up mess that I am?" the hollow chuckle that escaped him told her he didn't believe her.

"You're not a mess Shawn. Quite the contrary because underneath that surly attitude, the razor sharp tongue you use to lash out at anyone who loves you, and that damn armor you wear around you so no one can penetrate within to the man who is dying inside is the man that I love. A man that has to deal with a pain no one should need to deal with."

"No you don't Jules. You don't love me. You want to know who you love? You love fun loving Shawn. You love the wisecracking, 80s referencing, loving man that didn't have a god damn care in the world that I used to be. Well newsflash Jules I'm not him anymore."

"Because you won't LET yourself be him."

"I CAN'T BE HIM!" he screamed at her, and he doubled over in pain. She ran to him and he immediately shrunk away from her touch. This wasn't going the way she wanted it too. She saw the tears swimming in his eyes, and saw his body trembling.

"Shawn I know you will never be the same as you once were, but if you would just give yourself a chance you can move on." she begged biting hard on her lip to keep from crying.

"Y-you aren't listening to me Jules. I don't want to move on from what happened."

"What is so horrible that you don't want to live your life Shawn? What could be so terrible that it makes you want to throw everything you care about away?" she asked quietly deciding a different way was needed to get through to him. "You're throwing not just your life away, but mine as well." she whispered moving in close to him but not touching him.

"Jules you are making this difficult."

"You're damn right I am going to make this difficult I am going to make it damn near impossible for you to destroy yourself. Our marriage is one thing, but I'll be damned if I saved your life just for you to throw it AWAY!" it was her turn to shout at him as the raw pain she was feeling felt like it was trying to choke her. They stood staring at each other breathing heavy. She clamped down on the churning in her stomach as the emptiness she felt inside was growing. She felt like she was struggling to hold onto him and she was losing her grip. "Shawn I love you, so no matter how hard you push me away I am going to push back ten times harder."

"Will you just stop, why won't you just stop?" he begged as his shoulders slumped and it seemed like he was too tired to fight her anymore. She flicked her gaze down to his half opened shirt. His right arm was cradled in to his chest.

"Lets get you bandaged up." she whispered quietly deciding they both needed a break from the war they were in. He didn't say anything but continued to stare at her with tired eyes. She ran her gaze across the gashes on his face, and she moved towards him and grabbed his good arm and pulled him towards their bedroom. He allowed her to tug him along, which surprised her. He must be in a lot of pain. She smelled alcohol on his breath and she hoped by giving him aspirin he'd be alright. She tugged him towards their bed and pushed him down. He sat with a soft moan of pain and she hurried to their bathroom off the right of their bedroom. She quickly grabbed the first aide kit, and rushed back. She slid her robe off and he gasped as he took in her appearance. She noticed the darkening in his eyes, they went from a mixture of greenish blue to a darkening green. Shawn could try to hide it all he wanted but he was still attracted to her.

Juliet set the first aide kit next to him on the bed, and quickly finished unbuttoning his shirt. She helped him slide the shirt off and he let out a soft sound of pain. Her gaze flicked across his body and not for the first time did she grow angry at the scars on his body. Those scars represented everything that had happened to him, because of two sick individuals. But those scars weren't the worst ones on Shawn, they weren't the ones that were hurting Shawn the most. No those were the scars he wore on his heart and soul. All his physical injuries had faded, the emotional scars were threatening to destroy Shawn and she was doing everything she could to bring him back. She didn't say much as she opened the kit.

"Don't move Shawn." she commanded as she turned to run back to the bathroom. She needed to get a wash towel to clean some of his gashes. She came back inside and saw him still sitting where she left him. His eyes flicked from her clothing back to her face.

"What thought I'd leave?" he asked.

"The thought did occur to me."

"Well I have no car, and I am half drunk so I can't leave." he snapped.

"You can be peeved all you want I am glad that Buzz was being a good friend." she kneeled in front of him. She shoved his arm away and prodded the area on his side and Shawn let out a sharp cry of pain. She felt bad for causing him more pain, but she needed to know if it was a cracked rib and not just a bruised rib. She gently ran her hands across his chest and abdomen. "I don't think it's cracked but I'm no doctor Shawn. You should go to the hospital for x-rays."

"No." she sighed already knowing he was going to say that before he did. Shawn was afraid of doctors now, and she couldn't really blame him.

"I have an idea. Let me call Gus he knows a lot of doctors."

"I said no. No doctors." he growled in anger.

"Fine I get it Shawn. How about you let me call Gus and ask him to ask a doctor what I should do to help you."

"Just give me medicine, and a phone book for a cab."

"You're not going anywhere." she grabbed his shoes and yanked them off. She stood up and pushed him onto his back. She eyed him as she reached her hands down to his belt buckle. He did nothing to stop her, but the haunted look in his eyes made her want to cry. She made short work of his buckle and the zipper on his jeans and grabbed the slackened denim into her palms and began sliding them down his lean hips leaving him in his boxers. Shawn kept his gaze on her as she looked at him making sure he was taking care of himself. She was none too pleased to see that he was losing weight. She would make sure she made the fattest breakfast she could. He was going to eat every strip of bacon she made before she would even consider allowing him to leave.

"Juliet just stop I don't want to hurt you and that's all I am capable of doing."

"Shawn the only way you are hurting me is by pushing me away. Let me be there for you. Trust in me, and trust in our love that I can handle helping you through your pain." Juliet pleaded. She climbed onto the bed carefully not wanting him to pull away from her. She laid down next to him propping her head up against her one hand, and ran her other softly up and down his forearm. She hid a smile when he let her, and hoped maybe it meant he was giving up on pushing her away. She ran her loving gaze across his body, back up to his eyes and the happy feelings she was having vanished. The look in his eyes were so terribly sad. He turned his head to look away from her, and she couldn't let him do that. Juliet refused to allow him to escape their intimacy that was brought on either by the booze or the pain in his rib. She grabbed his chin and forced him to look back at her.

"Jules I trust you." he whispered.

"Then prove that to me. Let me help you."

"Its me that I don't trust." Juliet's breath hitched. She didn't know what exactly that meant but she knew there wasn't a thing she could do to make him trust in himself again. She lightly stroked his cheek with her fingertips, and was a little bit shocked that he was allowing her this much physical closeness to him. Since he had been taken Shawn and her hadn't had much intimate contact, or much touch. Shawn froze her out of their own bedroom long before he moved out. Shawn wouldn't ever allow her anywhere near him, but right now it seemed her touch wasn't so unwanted.

"Well then I guess I have to have enough trust, and confidence in you for the both of us." She leaned down leaving just inches of space between his lips from her own. His eyes closed to half slits.

"Don't." his breath was hot against her mouth.

"Don't what?" she asked bringing her mouth even closer then before all she had to do was lean maybe one more inch and she'd be kissing him. Her nose touched the side of his.

"Just don't."

"I'm not, it's called very close talking remember." she whispered nuzzling her nose with his waiting for him to make the first move.

"Move on Jules."

"I can't not when I am in love with you so much it hurts to breathe without you." the need to kiss him was growing within her, and the urge to just lean forward the mere inches and kiss the man she loved was almost overpowering her, but she needed him to make the first move.

Her breath caught in her throat when he lifted his head a little and brushed his lips against hers. He pulled away and she waited to see if he would kiss her again, and she wasn't disappointed. He leaned up and kissed her again, and this time Juliet took full advantage. She swept her tongue across his slackened lips, and sought entrance into his wet cavern and he obliged. His mouth opened wider in invitation, and she slipped her tongue past his soft lips, and deep within teasing his tongue with her own. She was trying to reacquaint herself with her husband's mouth as this was their first kiss since before he had been taken. She moved her hand from underneath her head to his hair, and ran the other across his stubble lined jaw. His tongue played with hers, and she felt his hands going into her hair and yanked her hair out of the ponytail. Her hair cascaded down, and the need to breathe some much needed air began making keeping their mouths pressed to each other's almost impossible. She pushed back when she couldn't suck in enough oxygen through her nostrils anymore, and gasped softly. She eyed him, and wanted to sigh loudly when she saw the on his face, and knew he was going to push her away. Sure enough he pushed her back and sat up. He groaned in pain, as he once more cradled his hurt side.

"Jules that shouldn't have happened." he said as he wiped his mouth.

"Damn the need to breathe." she whined as she flopped onto her back next to him. He eyed her with a look she couldn't quite place. "Shawn it did happen though, and I must say you were the one that started it. You kissed me first."

"Doesn't matter because it shouldn't have happened."

"I get it Shawn."

"You do?" he cocked his brow and looked down at her skeptical. She smiled nodding her head.

"Yep we are going to continuously go back, and forth you want a divorce and I don't."

"Jules you can't force me to stay married to you!"

"You are right I can't force you to stay married to me, and you'll eventually get the divorce from me. But guess what baby I am going to fight tooth and nail for you." He just eyed her with irritation. "Because I know that deep down inside you don't want to divorce me. You don't want to end things between us."

"Juliet…" she held up her hand and shook her head efficiently cutting off whatever else he was going to say not wanting to hear the lies.

"You can try to lie all you want I know how you feel. You can't hide it from me Shawn. You can hide how you reacted to that kiss, no matter how much you try." She stood up and walked to the bathroom and found the aspirin. She came back with a small glass and two tablets. She handed them to Shawn who refused to look her in the eye. "Here you go. You can sleep in bed with me."

"Or I'll take the couch." He snapped as he took the pills at the same time and chugged the water down.

"What, think that you can't behave in the same bed with me?" she arched a brow hoping he'd take the bait.

"More like you won't behave." She saw a ghost of a smile on his face and she wanted to dance in happiness but she resisted. She walked over to the light switch as she watched Shawn climb under the comforter slowly as he still cradled his arm to his chest.

"Touché." She chuckled knowing that she might let her hands wander, she wasn't going to apologize for missing her husband. She flicked the switch, and enveloped them in darkness, and walked slowly to the bed and climbed under and snuggled next to him.

"Jules…" he whispered when she laid her head on his chest and grabbed his hand and took full advantage of Shawn's state of inebriated mind, and pain from his ribs.

"What I'm behaving. I'm just snuggling up to my husband tomorrow you can try to push me away, tonight I am going to cozy up to my hurt husband and make sure he's okay."

"Soon to be ex-husband." He said and she could hear his breathing even out. She listened to his breathing, and was glad it wasn't labored so much now maybe he did only have a bruised rib. She would have to remember to ask Gus about it tomorrow. She looked up at Shawn who was trying to keep his eyes open.

"Not if I have a say." She whispered back and continued to lightly stroke his chest with her free hand. He mumbled something and fell asleep. She placed a soft kiss to his chest where his heart beat trying to heal the crack in it and watched him sleep. She knew that sleep was going to elude her all night tonight.

* * *

Gus sat in the Psych office looking around it. Juliet and himself were desperately trying to hold onto the office for when Shawn was ready to get past what happened. But he wasn't so sure Shawn was ever truly going to let it go. He ran a hand across Shawn's desk that was all but collecting dust. He needed to remember to dust this place now that it wasn't being used regularly. Shawn hadn't been to the Psych since he had been taken from here.

"You okay?" he looked up and smiled when he saw his girlfriend Vivian McDowell standing there. She was amazing, the woman he knew he was going to end up marrying. She was helpful and so very understanding about everything.

"Fine I just miss my best friend."

"I know you do Gus just give him time."

"I don't think I can give him much more. Shawn is ready to run and its getting harder and harder to get through to him. I call him and he doesn't call me back till days later and the conversations we have are short and clipped. He doesn't want to talk to me any more then he wants to with anyone else, and it hurts. Shawn and I were better then best friends. We knew what the other was thinking without needing to say it. And right now I don't know what he's thinking and it scares me."

"Oh sweetie I am so sorry." she came over to him and wrapped her arms around him. Gus felt like he was going to sob like a baby but he stopped himself. If Shawn walked in he needed to be strong for him. Not like Shawn was going too, but he could fall apart in the privacy of his own apartment and not here.

"I can't even imagine what happened to change him this completely Viv. Its like someone swapped out my Shawn with this carbon copy that's not quite the same." he stepped back out of her arms and let his arms fall helplessly to his sides. "Viv its like he wants to punish himself for something, and I have no idea what. Shawn won't speak about what happened so no one quite knows the extent of what he went through."

"Maybe its too painful right now maybe you guys need to be respectful of that fact. I know you love him, and I know that his wife loves him, but by trying to push him back into the man he was before whatever happened to him isn't the way to go."

"But what about me?" Gus snapped angry not at her or what she was saying but at the situation. "What about my selfish needs Viv? I miss him and I want my best friend back." Gus whispered as he eyed the desk his friend used to occupy all the time, and now hadn't set foot there since.

"Gus I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you."

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. Its not you I'm mad at. It is this damn situation we've been put in. Its not fair."

"You're right its not fair. But it's the deal you, Juliet, and Shawn have been handed. I guess my only suggestion or advice is to just continue to be there for him, and I'll continue to be there for you." she smiled up at him. He sighed as he brought his mouth onto hers and lightly kissed her. He pulled away thanking his lucky stars he had met this wonderful woman during the lowest moment of his life.

"I know I just wish there was a way to make Shawn see that what happened to him wasn't his fault, but rather because they had been deranged individuals."

"You think he feels guilty?"

"Maybe its been something I've been thinking about lately. I just wish he would just open up and tell me what happened. Then I might know how to proceed in getting him the help he needs."

"Has he talked to a therapist, it could be survivor's guilt?"

"We tried Viv, he won't even speak to anyone like that. We sprung an intervention of sorts and he high tailed it out there."

"Maybe, you should spring one on him where he is unable to leave."

"What like kidnap him?"

"No just use your resources."

"And that would be?"

"Arrest him." she smiled and he chuckled. "I knew that would make you smile." she grabbed his hand. But the idea of it did hold promise. Arresting Shawn could work. They could spring a therapist on him, and they legally could hold him up to 72 hours. "Sweetie what are you thinking?"

"Nothing lets go." he smiled pushing the idea to the back of his mind. He couldn't do that. Shawn would never trust them again, he would surely bolt in the other direction if they tried to force him to open up. Gus eyed the framed photograph on Shawn's desk. It was taken at Shawn and Juliet's wedding two years ago. Shawn had this huge smile literally stretching from ear to ear across his face. Shawn had been so extremely happy. Juliet was held to his side, her own smile literally sparkled as she stared up at Shawn's face lovingly. Anyone with eyes could see the love they felt for one another, and the utter happiness they had been in during that moment in their life. He was on Shawn's other side with a giant smile as the best man and Shawn and himself were fist bumping. His own smile was lopsided as he felt incredibly happy for his best friend and Juliet. He had secretly wished he would find his own soul mate. He eyed Vivian and wondered if she was the one? He flicked his gaze for one last time to the photograph and wished for a miracle that they could be that happy again. Gus took one last sidelong glance at the office as he followed Vivian out and shut the light off, and wondered what would be the best strategy to get to the root of the pain in his best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

His eyes opened, and peered around the room without moving his head just moving his eyes. He licked his lips because they felt incredibly dry, and his body ached. He noticed it was still very dark in the room. His gaze landed on Juliet who was laying next to him with her arms wrapped around him like a vine, and she had slung her right leg between his. It seemed even in sleep she was afraid he would disappear from her.

"I love you." he whispered as he looked down at her sleeping face and tears burned at the backs of his eyes. He caressed her soft skin with his gaze taking in the way her hair splayed across her face covering just one eye, and settled a bit on his bare chest. He resisted the urge to brush it back with fear she'd awaken. Shawn needed to get out of here, and the best way to do that was to do so while she slept. Right now she thought he was what she wanted, but he knew better. She wanted the old him, the one that she married. The new one didn't deserve to be loved by anyone not his family, not Gus, and certainly not by her. He tore his gaze off of her and looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand beside him. It was four in the morning. He had slept longer then he should have.

The framed photograph that sat atop of the nightstand right next to the alarm clock mocked him. It was their wedding photo of just her and him standing together pressed close and smiling towards the camera. He reached over and knocked it down face first hating the smile on his face. He felt Juliet jump next to him, and murmur something in her sleep, but thankfully she did not waken in his momentary lapse of judgment. Shawn laid his head back down onto the pillow, and felt her burrow even closer to him, her arms tightening around him. He ignored the pain that her squeezing caused in his rib. He waited till she settled once more, and he felt her arms slacken just a tiny bit before he tried to get up. He carefully picked her one arm up, and put it down on her side. He lightly grabbed the leg that was between his, and moved it. He smiled happily almost home free as he slowly began sitting up.

"Think again Shawn." she whispered, and he closed his eyes. She sat up and leaned over and turned the lamp on, which was on her side of the bed. The room filled with the soft light, and he swept his gaze onto her. He felt a stirring in his groin. He didn't want to feel a thing and she made him want her without even trying.

"Go back to sleep Jules."

"So you can slip out and leave me without eating and talking to me first. Fat chance." she laughed as she climbed out bed first with a light bounce in her step walking towards the closet and pulled out a dark purple terry cloth bathrobe, and pulled it onto herself. She flicked her rumpled hair over it, and walked up to him. She leaned down and casually slung her arms onto his shoulders. He pushed back, and she sighed but didn't say anything letting her hands fall to her sides.

"Juliet I am leaving in ten minutes." he stood up slowly, taking deep breaths feeling the sharp pain still but was happy to feel slightly better then last night. His body still felt like it had been rolled over by a truck, and his head hurt slightly from the buzz he was having last night. He looked over to her when he didn't hear her protest. She was smiling at him as if she had a secret.

"Breakfast will be ready soon." she said completely ignoring him. He narrowed his eyes on her when she dashed out of the room, leaving him to wonder what she had up her sleeve but the need to pee took priority. He walked slowly careful not to jar his rib anymore then he needed too. He entered the bathroom and once he relieved himself, he walked towards the small vanity that housed the sink. He leaned down slightly as he turned the faucets on full blast and splashed water on his face. He opened the cabinet and pulled out a small wash towel and dried his face. Shawn looked up into the mirror and his lips tightened in anger as he looked at his reflection. He turned and made his way out of the bathroom unable to look at himself anymore, and looked around the floor for a moment. His ire rose high and he walked much faster out of the bedroom not giving a damn that his side hurt.

"Damn it Juliet where are my clothes?" She turned around from the skillet she was using to make some bacon and smiled.

"What ever do you mean Shawn?"

"My clothes you know the clothes I was wearing last night they're mysterious missing."

"Oh thooooose." she smiled and then shrugged her shoulders and turned back to the skillet not elaborating more then that. He walked directly up to her and grabbed her arm tightly and forced her to look at him. She looked down at his hand that was roughly grabbing her arm. "Is this supposed to intimidate me? Because all its doing is turning me on Shawn." she whispered and he immediately dropped his hand from her.

"Juliet!" he growled.

"Those clothes you'll get back once you've eaten and we've talked"

"I'm not hungry."

"Well I guess you'll just have to force it down your throat Shawn because you aren't going anywhere till I have seen you eat." she turned back to the skillet.

"You're holding me hostage with my clothes to force me to eat?"

"Shawn when was the last time you ate?" she asked as she began making scrambled eggs. She flicked her gaze up at him and waited.

"Yesterday."

"When yesterday, and what was it?"

"What are you my mother?"

"If I have to treat you like a child then so be it. You are the one that's not eating like you should be not me. Now you didn't answer my question so either you lied to me when you said you ate yesterday, or what you had wasn't very filling was it?"

"I had some pineapple okay." she nodded.

"Well at least you had a little something. Sit and eat some bacon Shawn."

"Jules you do not get to do this to me."

"Why not you get to decide that our marriage is over giving me no choice in the matter? Why can't I hide your clothes and make you eat?"

"Its not the same thing!" he couldn't believe they were arguing about this.

"I suggest to you Shawn that you sit down and eat some bacon, because unless you want to go outside in just your tiny boxers then you are stuck here till I say so. And all I want is for you to eat some breakfast and we share a conversation." he sat down and grabbed a piece of bacon and put it in his mouth. She smiled as she placed the eggs on the plate in front of him. He grabbed the fork beside him and dug into the eggs, as he hadn't realized he was so hungry. He watched as she poured them some orange juice then carried the two glasses over and put one in front of him as she sat down across from him. She picked up a piece of bacon and bit into it.

"Happy now?" he grumbled as he swallowed the last bit of eggs, and picked up another piece of bacon.

"Yep." she smiled as she seemed to be more watching him shovel the food in then eating herself.

"Can I have my clothes back now?"

"Why you look fine from where I'm sitting." she smiled and he looked at her and refused to feel self conscious in front of her. They had seen each other naked many times since being married. "What's wrong Shawn?" she asked as the flirtatious smile evaporated leaving a look of concern on her face.

"Nothing." he snapped not wanting to talk about this. He didn't want to talk about anything he just wanted to leave. "I want to leave. I ate now, will you please go get my clothing wherever the hell you stashed them please."

"No what was with that look!" she demanded when he pushed his chair back and stood up. She stepped in front of him, and her blue eyes searched his.

"Nothing it meant nothing."

"What I'm now not supposed to be attracted to my own husband?" her eyes blazed as she let her gaze skim across his body, and he resisted the urge to turn his back on her.

"Oh yeah because these scars get you hot right?" he cocked a smile that was empty of any warmth. "Look at them Jules, they make you want me right. You can't get enough of looking at them!"

"They're not ugly Shawn." He grabbed her hand angrily and placed her hand in the middle of his chest. He watched her eyes as he traced her fingers up and down the jagged lines of scars that spanned across half of his chest. He watched tears well up in her blue eyes and he refused to allow them to get to him.

"What did they do to you Shawn?"

"They cut me open over and over again Jules as I screamed for you." he hated himself when he saw her eyes immediately snap shut and a strangled sound make it out of her before she clenched her mouth shut. "They kept saying it was to see if I bled like everyone else." a soft sob escaped her and he held her hand tightly when he felt her trying to take it away from his skin. "What's wrong Jules these sicken you?" his voice cracked. Her eyes opened and she reached her free hand up to cup his jaw.

"No. You'd never sicken me."

"You don't know what I did and I can tell you without a damn doubt that you'd be disgusted." He pushed her hand away from him, and stepped around her. He wanted to go now, and sure the hell didn't want to talk to her anymore. He told her more then he wanted too as it was. "Where are my clothes?"

"I would never be disgusted by you not those scars, and sure the hell nothing you did to survive!"

"Now whose the liar?" Shawn whispered and he watched as his comment hit home and her back went ramrod straight. Her face had grown pale and now even her lips were a sickly white color.

"What else did they do to you Shawn?"

"This discussion is over."

"If you are clamming up on me it must be bad." he stared into her eyes, as she swiped at the tears that fell down. "Please Shawn whatever it is, talking about it might help." he shook his head adamantly.

"You promised Jules if I ate you'd let me go." he turned his head away from her not wanting to speak about any of this anymore.

"Thank god those men are dead. I hope they're burning in hell for everything they have done." he heard the unevenness to her voice, he could hear the soft sob escape her as she walked into the hallway and he sat down on the couch listening to his wife's sobs.

* * *

Juliet barely made it to the bedroom before she lost control. She muffled a scream in her hands as thoughts of what torture Shawn could have went through ran rampant through her mind. She leaned her back against the wall, and slowly lowered herself to the ground as she continued to cry. Her body heaved, and she couldn't drag in enough breath and felt like she was choking on her sobs.

"Shhhhh." she heard his soft whisper in her ear and hadn't realized she was now being held in his arms. She should be comforting him, and her sobs intensified when she felt the slight tremble in his body.

"Sh-awn." his name came out wobbly and stuttered as she tried to force her sobs to cease. She needed to comfort him not him comforting her. He continued to gently hold her, and he pulled back and began wiping her tears clear of her face. She stared into his eyes.

"Don't cry Jules."

"Kiss me." she begged pulling her emotions under control. She just needed to kiss him.

"Jules…" he looked down at her lips, then back up into her eyes. "…it's a mistake." he said quietly. She didn't care. She didn't care she just wanted to feel his lips on hers. She moved forward and kissed him. Shawn sat in her arms rigidly. His mouth was unyielding under hers, not at all responsive. But she pretended anyways. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him tenderly trying to soothe herself and him in someway. She pulled her mouth off of his, and kissed his cheek and chin and moved back to stare into his eyes.

"Don't leave me." she whispered as she kept their faces close, her lips were just above his, and her fingers were holding his cheeks.

"You deserve better."

"Shouldn't I get to decide that not you?"

"You'll hate me."

"Nothing in this world would make me hate you Shawn." she stared in his eyes and hoped like hell he heard her this time. They both jumped when their home phone rang. Shawn immediately jerked away from her, and she wanted to yank the damn phone out of the wall, and curse it for breaking the spell they were under. She thought she had gotten through to him. He had been looking at her like he was going to tell her what happened and then the phone had to ring.

"Pick it up Jules."

"They can call back Shawn, this is more important. You are the most important person in my life."

"Just pick it up Jules." he turned from her and sat down on the edge of the bed as the phone continued to ring and she ignored it. "Damn it Jules it could be important."

"As I said Shawn nothing is more important to me then you."

"What about Lassie huh? What happens if he needs your help or something?"

"Nice try Shawn but Carlton knows to call me on my cell not our home phone." the ringing of the phone ceased, but she still damned it anyways. She saw the look in Shawn's eyes they were shuddered, and his body language read he was in his defensive mode again. He had lowered his armor last night giving her a glimpse of the pain he was in, and this morning he had lowered it further. Shawn was trying to push her away again but now that she was in she wasn't about to be pushed back out.

"Can I have my clothes?"

"I promised that you could have them back after we shared breakfast and a conversation. And you held up your part of the bargain so I have to as well, or you'll keep running away from me." she nodded her head her eyes felt puffy and they hurt from how hard she had cried, and she knew she must look like a mess. She turned and walked to her closet and opened it, and rummaged in it till she found where she hid his clothing last night when he had been out of it. She walked over to him carrying his jeans, and shirt. His eyes were leveled on the floor not looking up at her. She set them down next to him on the bed, and put her index finger under his chin and forced it upwards and his gaze lifted to hers. "This is not over." she leaned down and brushed her mouth against his, relishing in the fact that they had shared another kiss. Shawn pulled back and looked down again.

"It will be once you sign those papers." Juliet was proud of herself when she held her mouth shut that hell would have to freeze over before she signed those damn divorce papers. Thankfully she had used her common sense, and it told her saying that would just bring about another argument that she didn't want to have with him. She stood there and he looked up at her.

"What Shawn?"

"You're not going to argue with me?"

"About what?" she knew what but she decided playing dumb would be better.

"About signing the divorce papers."

"Oh that, well as you always used to say agree to disagree." she smiled and with that whirled around not wanting to allow him to pick a fight with her. She escaped into her bathroom, and slid the door shut. She leaned her head against the door and heard clothing ruffling, and she closed her eyes hating that damn phone call.

* * *

"Well O'Hara didn't answer." Carlton sighed as he flopped down onto his couch realizing she probably wasn't up anyways it was only barely going on six in the morning. O'Hara probably was snoozing away. But he had learned some startling information in a message from the chief and didn't think he could wait to tell her. But her cell phone was off and she wasn't answering her home phone. He wondered if she was alright. He looked up when he heard Marlowe walk in slowly. "What are you doing up babe?" he asked standing up and walking up to her and wrapped his arms around her.

"Heard my big strong man come out here, and I wanted to wish him off to work. Even if he does get up at the break of dawn." he smiled and kissed her softly.

"Well I just heard a message from the chief and I called O'Hara but she didn't pick up."

"Worried?"

"No, I will if she doesn't show up to work today."

"Is something wrong?"

"Not exactly more like she is most likely going to be called as a character witness to a hearing."

"A hearing?"

"Well you remember I explained to you about this whole Yang thing."

"Oh yeah Juliet was taken hostage because of her connection to Shawn, and Yang had some creepy love for him, and Yin wanted to destroy everything he cared about."

"Right, well Yang has a hearing tomorrow and they want O'Hara to come and testify to the fact that she helped save Spencer and Guster's life about three years ago."

"Wow can they really let her back out in society?"

"The institution is getting overfilled and they are claiming that she is rehabilitated and is no threat to anyone."

"Do you think she should be let out?"

"Personally no I think she has a screw loose and she has a thing for Spencer and if I know what will happen she will go right for him. And he doesn't need that in this time of his life."

"Oh god."

"I know and I just wanted to give O'Hara a heads up because she's going to be blindsided by this."

"Can she just catch one break?" Marlowe sighed as he pulled away from her and began gathering his stuff up. He wished for the same thing for his partner. Juliet had her hands full with keeping Spencer from falling apart, and now with this new unsettling aspect that she will have to deal with is going to stretch her even more thin then she was already. "Is there anyway they could come up with a contingency that if this woman is let out, that she cannot come within so many feet of Shawn?"

"I don't know Marlowe I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

"Be careful my love." she whispered as he put his suit jacket on. He smiled down at her. He leaned down and kissed her softly.

"Will do. Go back to bed sweetie I'll see you tonight."

"Are you going to come home on time?" she arched a brow.

"I'll try you never know when sweet justice needs my help."

"I know I just miss my strong sternum bush man." she made a tiger noise and he chuckled and they kissed yet again and with that he whirled around from her and hurried for the door.

* * *

author's note: thank you for being patient I had some family in from FL so I couldn't post anything for a while lol. I will be updating Shules Fantasies soon as well. So thank you for everything and I hope you enjoyed!

~Stacey


	4. Chapter 4

"Finally O'Hara." she smiled as she walked towards her desk and flung her purse into the bottom draw and smiled. She felt for the first time in a year that there was a glimmer of light at the very dark tunnel she had been in since Shawn had been taken. In a week it would be the one year anniversary since they found Shawn half dead and she was more determined then ever to be there for him when the day came. Shawn had fallen into a deep depression a month and half ago when it was the anniversary of when he had been taken, and they had gotten into a huge fight. It had been the night he told her he was moving out. But finally Shawn had taken a couple of positive steps in the right direction last night and today and she wasn't about to let him go through this next anniversary alone.

"Carlton I think Shawn had a breakthrough. It was small but he allowed me in last night."

"Really?"

"Yes although I think it was pain from the beating he took that made him let his guard go down but I won't kick a gift horse in the mouth."

"Beating? He got into another fight."

"More like he was on the receiving end of it once again. He had three against one."

"Juliet didn't you get my message?"

"Yeah I just figured I'd talk to you here. What's up?"

"You are going to be subpoenaed sometime today."

"What, what for?"

"To testify as a character witness for Violet Robmonson."

"Who?"

"Yang."

"What why?"

"They claim she is rehabilitated and that her saving Spencer, and Guster years ago from her father was the first steps in recovery. Her doctors claim she is fit for the outside world again."

"But, she knew of the murders! I know she didn't commit any and I know she must of went through hell living with a serial killer but she still knew."

"I know but O'Hara I think they might release her even if you try to stop it."

"Oh god Shawn."

"I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Thanks. Its just not what I needed to hear. I don't need her stalking Shawn, he's got enough to deal with."

"Do you really think she'd immediately go for Shawn?"

"I don't know. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this."

"I'm sorry O'Hara."

"Its not your fault if she gets released." she eyed her partner and she noticed the look in his eyes and she wished it would just go away. Anyone with eyes could see that the head detective held himself responsible for what happened to Shawn even if no one else did. He turned away from her and walked back to his desk and she decided it was high time to talk about it. She walked directly over to him and watched as he purposely ignored her as he began typing on his computer. "None of it was ever your fault Carlton."

"What ever do you mean O'Hara?"

"You know what I mean. I told you then when we learned Shawn had been taken by the two supposedly released mental patients and came to find out that they had escaped that it wasn't your fault." Juliet didn't blink when he banged his hand against his desk angrily and glared up at her.

"Oh yeah and how the hell do you figure that O'Hara. Had I done my job and checked out those two mental patients that had a screw loose they wouldn't have ever known about your husband and he would never have been taken!"

"Carlton please just stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over. If it wasn't Shawn it would've been someone else." Juliet sighed when he turned to look away from her and back to his computer.

"O'Hara I'm busy doing my paperwork for once so could you please just go do your work." she sighed their partnership had hit a roadblock since Shawn had been taken. Carlton had even requested a temporary new partner and the chief had granted him it, leaving her doing a lot of paperwork in the station. At first she didn't mind because she was desperately trying to help her husband, but now she was growing irritated because Carlton was avoiding her for something he had no control over. Juliet turned and stomped towards the chief's door and entered without asking. The chief looked up and her mouth tightened into a grimace.

"Detective Spencer do not ever just enter my office without knocking first."

"Yeah whatever chief I want my old position back as Carlton's partner!"

"I thought you wanted out of the field so you could get out on time to be there for Shawn."

"I do and I want to still do that, but I have a sense that this new partner of Carlton's isn't for me, its because he blames himself."

"Juliet are you sure you want to get back out in the field?"

"I want my life back chief. I want my husband and I want to be the best police detective I can be. I miss working in the field and I miss my partner." she let her shoulders slump.

"Okay." she smiled. "So how is it going with Mr. Spencer?"

"Its well complicated but I think I was getting through to him chief."

"That's good."

"We shared a few kisses."

"Sounds like Shawn is weathering the storm."

"I'm not sure chief. I feel like he's only giving me half the picture of the hell he went through. I just know that something else is bothering him, and is the real reason he's pushing everyone he loves away. If it was just physical torture he wouldn't feel like he doesn't deserve my love."

"Judging from what we know of from the case without your husband speaking about it, its no doubt in my mind that he endured quite a bit of mental torture as well."

"Yeah and that's what wounds you the most I think. Physical torture is cruel and horrible, but emotional torture can rip your soul apart and that's what its doing to him. I just don't know how to stop it if I don't know what happened."

"Keep being there for him, its working so far." they both turned around when there was a hard rap on the glass door to her office. Juliet saw Buzz standing there he entered when the chief motioned for him to come in.

"McNab?"

"This came to the desk clerk, Detective Spencer has been subpoenaed." McNab sighed handing her the paperwork. Juliet frowned looking at the paper. Damn it she was hoping that Carlton had been wrong. Juliet looked at the chief who also had a very unhappy look on her face.

"Its gonna be alright chief I am just going to tell the truth."

"A friend of mine works in that mental institution and he told me that they are trying to release patients because its becoming overcrowded."

"So they are releasing her for their inability to know how many beds they have in their damn institution!"

"Juliet calm down!"

"No I will not calm down. They are releasing her not because she has been rehabilitated but because of their own stupidity!" Juliet snapped and stood up. "My husband doesn't NEED this right now."

"I'm sorry Juliet. If she even comes close to Shawn just once we will slap a restraining order on her so fast she wouldn't even have time to blink."

"That's not good enough chief. Its not right what these people are doing my husband went through hell with escaped mental patients, and now he's going to have a released one hot on his trail." she needed to speak to Shawn and tell him what was happening. She eyed the clock and sighed she had just got here. She turned to look back at the chief and hoped that she wouldn't mind. "Chief can I have an early lunch break?"

"Sure." she nodded. Juliet whirled around and made a mad dash to her desk and immediately threw the subpoena on it, and grabbed for her purse out of the desk. She eyed Carlton who was looking at her knowing that she received it, and then turned and ran towards the exit. She had to warn Shawn.

* * *

Vivian heard a hard rapping at her door. She smiled and looked up at her clock of course Gus was early he always was. She ran to the door and opened it, and her smile immediately vanished from her face and was replaced with shock.

"Shawn what are you doing here?" she asked quietly. Vivian hadn't seen Shawn since he came in at the hospital. She was an E.R. nurse there and had been the one that had taken care of him. She noticed with a critical eye that Shawn appeared to be exhausted both mentally and physically. She remembered seeing him when he came in his body had been a bloody mess not one inch of him wasn't battered in some form. What scared her the most when she seen him back then was he had appeared to have been operated on several times, and his utter lack of will to live. It was one of the worst cases of abuse she ever seen and even sometimes seeing him like that haunted her in her dreams.

"How's Gus?" he said instead of answering her question. She felt her lips tighten and her teeth clenched together. Gus told her all about his friendship with Shawn and how it was killing him that Shawn was pushing him away.

"I don't know why don't you ask Gus yourself?"

"I can't."

"Why not he's your best friend. He's like your brother you can speak to him he needs you." Vivian snapped trying her hardest to get through that thick skull of his. She moved aside to allow him in and he did so quietly. Vivian had to call Juliet immediately after he left because he never came by before, and she was worried as to why he was now.

"Gus will move on." Vivian snorted loudly.

"Gus is so worried about you its all he thinks about. He needs to know you are alright and we both know that you aren't. Why are you trying so hard to make them disappear from your life Shawn? I know you don't want to hear this but you need them as much as they need you."

"Don't you dare try to psychoanalyze me Vivian! I didn't let my mother do it to me, and I sure the hell aren't going to allow my best friend's girlfriend do it to me either."

"Why are you here Shawn? Why have you come by to tell me to get Gus to stay away?" He eyed her quietly and didn't answer her. Vivian let the nurse inside her do a quick once over of him. "You're hurt what happened?"

"Nothing that you need to worry yourself about."

"You're my boyfriend's best friend of course I worry Shawn."

"Look I just came by to tell you that I am leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Leaving Santa Barbara and I wanted you to tell Gus."

"That's low Shawn! That's actually quite cowardly and you don't strike me as a damn coward."

"Go to hell Viv I don't owe you explanation for anything."

"The hell you don't! You are the one that came to me to tell Gus that you are leaving without so much as a goodbye. Why the hell are you leaving?"

"Because it will be easier on everyone if I do."

"Easier on everyone else, HA more like easier on you. It will be so damn easy to not care and waste your fucking life away when you don't have anyone around that cares about you to give a damn!" she shook her head and refused to do it. "No I am not telling him that. I will not tell him that you are leaving you will have to do that on your own."

"Well then I guess Gus just won't know at all." he growled at her and turned around. She knew she should stop trying to push him but everyone else was treating him with kid gloves and she wasn't about too. Shawn needed to hear the tough answers and questions.

"What about your wife?" she demanded and he stopped in mid step and he whirled around and he glared down at her.

"What about Juliet?"

"Don't you think your wife deserves to know that you are leaving?"

"My wife and I are close to a divorce she has nothing to say about what I do with my life anymore."

"You really expect me to believe that Juliet signed those divorce papers." she laughed humorlessly.

"Shut up Vivian."

"Why I mean the warped idea of thinking that Juliet is just going to stop her pursuit of rebuilding her relationship with you, and trying to heal you is just the dumbest thing I have ever heard!" he didn't say anything back. He turned and she felt panic bubble up. He was just going to leave. "They won't let you just disappear from their life Shawn and I will do whatever it takes to help them get you back."

"Damn it Vivian just tell them to let me go!"

"My loyalty is to Gus and his happiness. And I know you don't want to hear this right now but you make him happy. He misses you so much. You two talked all the time he's miserable without you. And you know what I think?"

"Not really and I don't really care either."

"I think you are miserable without them. I think this is all an act Shawn. You need to let go of this issue of not deserving them or whatever the hell is making you try to walk away from your family because you are dying without them." she snapped.

"And that's the point! Why make Jules and Gus watch as I wither away. I don't want to be alive Vivian!" he shouted and Vivian sucked in a breath when he admitted to what she had figured out a long time ago but afraid to think it to be the truth.

"Why Shawn? Gus told me about the long search for you and that you were taken by unstable individuals. Its beyond horrible what they did to you Shawn truly disgusting I should know I saw you, and I took care of you in the emergency room. I remember how you looked the day that you were brought in I didn't even recognize that you were human." she stopped and blinked rapidly hating the fact that she was still emotional over it. Shawn didn't need tears he needed strength right now and he needed someone to butt heads with him to keep him from spiraling out of control. "But you overcame that, you survived Shawn not many other people get too. You have a second chance on living and you are throwing away your life and I won't stand for it."

"It is my hell Vivian it is my world and not you, my wife, my parents, or my best friend can save me not when I don't want it."

"I don't believe you because if you didn't want to be saved then you wouldn't be standing right here where you are today. You would have given up when the doctors gave you a twenty percent change at surviving Shawn. Your soul is broken but deep down inside there underneath that pain you carry around you do want to live, you do want to be with your wife and family, and Gus. And they know that." she watched him for a moment unable to do much of anything else then wish he would just listen to her, or to anyone for that matter.

"They don't know everything."

"You won't tell them."

"Its better that way."

"Better for who?" Vivian demanded and she heard a loud clearing of a throat and she turned and saw Gus. Shawn took a step back as Gus immediately entered her home and shut the door leaving the three of them enclosed in her home silently. Shawn was looking at Gus.

"SHAWN. I have missed you." he whispered and walked towards Shawn and Vivian watched as Shawn didn't move away as Gus advanced on him and she hoped that was a positive sign in the right direction. Shawn never went anywhere near Gus. Gus wrapped his arms around Shawn and she watched the two men. Gus held onto a very rigid Shawn who kept his arms at his sides, and was staring forward and blinking rapidly.

"I got to go Gus."

"No why are you here visiting Viv and you won't even call me back?"

"I got to go Gus." he repeated as Gus let him go and Vivian grimaced.

"He wanted me to get you to let him go."

"Never Shawn you are my best friend and I can see you are hurting."

"Gus he also wanted me to tell you he was leaving Santa Barbara for good because he's running away." Vivian spoke up and Shawn shot her a withering glare and she smiled. "You know what I am going to go out for a walk and let you two talk. I'll be back later Gus." she smiled and hurried to the door not wanting to disturb the two men that hadn't been face to face in over four months.

* * *

Gus stared at Shawn for a moment taking in the appearance of his best friend. His face was unshaven for about a few days, his hair was wild not at all like he usually kept meticulous care of. His shirt hung on him and his jeans looked too big on his now growing thin frame.

"You're not eating Shawn."

"Actually Juliet made me breakfast." he said so slowly as if he was functioning underwater. Gus nodded his head unsure of if that was progress. Juliet had texted him that Shawn had sent her divorce papers. He hoped like hell that Shawn had gone back to Juliet.

"So you and her are back together?"

"NO." the firm and gruff answer told him to back off. Gus always listened to Shawn he always went along with everything that Shawn wanted. But not this time Gus could clearly hear in Shawn's voice to stop but he couldn't not this time.

"Why are you leaving Shawn?"

"Because its for the best of everyone. Juliet needs to understand that our marriage is over and she doesn't seem to want to hear me."

"Did you really think she would? She knows the only reason you want a divorce is because of what happened to you. You can't freeze her out of your life forever Shawn or me for that matter."

"Gus." he whispered and his entire body shook as if he couldn't handle this conversation anymore. He went to walk by him as if it was already decided that he was done and leaving. Gus grabbed his arm and Shawn stopped and glared at him.

"Talk to me Shawn. Do you know how much guilt I have been living with since you went missing?"

"What, why would you ever feel guilty Gus?"

"I wasn't there for you when they came and grabbed you Shawn."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Oh yeah well how about when we couldn't find you huh? I couldn't find you before they tortured the hell out of you and made you want to give up on life. I thought I lost you once Shawn, and I now I might be losing you all over again because of your demons."

"Gus listen to me. I never blamed you or anyone for what happened to me understood. Never have and I will never ever blame you for what happened. They were unstable psychos that came after me because I was a 'psychic' and they wanted to experiment on me to see if I was like everyone else." Gus breathed in roughly this was the first time Shawn had told him anything about why he had been taken or what they did to him. "Goodbye Gus." Shawn whispered as he shrugged his hand off of him and walked past him towards the door.

"Don't Shawn please." Gus begged as unwanted tears brimmed in his eyes and his voice became uneven as Shawn continued to walk towards the door. Gus knew that if he didn't say something that Shawn was just going to disappear from his life and he couldn't let that happen. "TRUST IN ME SHAWN LIKE I TRUST YOU!" he shouted angry at his best friend for not respecting him enough to know that he would never judge Shawn for whatever happened. Shawn froze, and Gus watched as he turned around.

"I trust you!" Shawn snapped and Gus was unfazed by the show of anger erupting out of Shawn. It didn't do anything to stop his own anger at the situation from bubbling up. Shawn wanted to walk out of his life to just walk out of over twenty five years of being best friends then he was going to have his say first. Shawn was like his brother and one that was in much need of help.

"No you don't Shawn. You don't trust me do you?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you won't tell me what happened. Tell me, show me that you trust me Shawn. Trust in the fact that I will never ever judge you for what happened during the worst moments in your life."

"I can't talk about it."

"Yes you can you used to be able to tell me anything. Take all the time you need Shawn. Please just tell me whatever it is its eating you up inside I can see it every time I look into your eyes."

"I-I- just can't." Gus let go of the breath he had been holding Shawn appeared to have wanted to tell him what happened. "It has nothing to do with our friendship or trusting in you or in Juliet. I just can't talk about it. But if you really want to know go ask Lassie." Gus stared at Shawn perplexed. Why would he need to go talk to Lassie about whatever it was that was clearly destroying Shawn? Gus didn't stop Shawn as he turned and walked out of Vivian's home, as she returned from the walk she took to give them some privacy. She looked on as Shawn brushed past her and Gus immediately wiped away the wetness on his cheeks not realizing he had been crying till right this moment. She slowly shut the door when they both heard the distinct sound of a motorcycle engine revving up. She walked over to him and pulled him into her arms.

"Shawn's not good Viv." Gus whispered as he buried his head into her shoulder and cried softly into her soft body. He pushed back a little and she wiped away the tears.

"Just keep being there for him."

"I thought by talking to him he would listen to me but he doesn't want to listen right now. He doesn't want anyone to try to help him or to try to save him. Its like he thinks he doesn't deserve it or something."

"I know I got the same feeling."

"I thought that if I talked to him I would understand more of what happened to him. And I do somewhat but even after talking to him I have more questions then answers then ever before."

"I'm sorry."

"But I think I might know who to go to so I can find out a couple of the answers to a few of those questions."

"Who?"

"The head detective Carlton Lassiter."

"Juliet's friend and partner?"

"Shawn made an odd comment about him."

"Okay what exactly did Shawn say?"

"I was trying to get Shawn to open up to me about what happened and I asked him to prove to me that he trusted in me, and forgave me."

"Forgive you for what Gus?"

"For not being there when he was taken and not getting to him in time."

"If I know Shawn which I think I do he never blamed you or anyone else for that."

"Yeah well, I asked him to just tell me everything, and then he said to talk to Lassie."

"What like suggesting that Lassiter knows why Shawn is the way he is, and just hasn't said anything?"

"Exactly and I am going to find out. I have to call Juliet."

"I think you should." Gus nodded his head and wondered if it was really true that Lassiter knew more then he was letting on about what happened to Shawn.

* * *

author's note: Okay so I know I haven't posted anything in a while...but I am trying really hard to get back into the swing of things at work after having almost three months off for a temporary vacation while my store was rebuilt lol. So I have been working 40+ hours and I have been BEAT and then my half of my chapter for chapter 4 of this story was missing because of my computer. But I recreated it and its better then before in my opinion, though I may have skimped on the proofreading to hurry up and post anything for you guys so I hugely apologize for any jarring or terrible grammatical errors they were overlooked in my haste to post something and I tried to make sure I fixed everything that jumped out at me lol. But I have to say thank you to Fear-The-Spork for the gentle nudging its much appreciated :) ;)

Oh and for being such patient and loyal readers for taking the drought in stride thanks to my job I have a bit of a spoiler alert for you (I love spoilers for Psych so I just can't resist giving one for my story) so here is the small bit from chapter 5 I can spoil you with...

_**"I'm sorry O'Hara he was dying when I made that promise and I will not break it no matter what." Carlton felt the harsh sting of her slap and he watched the tears fall down her face as he rubbed his face trying to rub away the sting. "I'm sorry."**_

_**"That's not good enough Carlton. Please help me save my husband." she sobbed and he looked down.**_

So that's what's in store for you :) Shawn has a complete and utter meltdown in the next chapter as well and a hint of something else *runs away to hide* I shouldn't tease this but I have to and maybe even I will post chapter 5 tomorrow being this is my weekend off so I can try to make up for my lack of posting in a while with a back to back post. Sounds like a plan to me. Thanks for reading and reviewing its greatly appreciated, as lame as it sounds it does help keep you motivated to keep going! Thanks!

~Stacey


	5. Chapter 5

Shawn walked briskly up to his motel room and slid his keycard into the door. He had to get the hell out of here. He had to get away from everyone maybe then they would finally get the hell out of his life. He swung the door wide open and stopped in his tracks. He narrowed his eyes on his wife who sat on his bed.

"About time you came back." she smiled as she continued to rest on his bed. He shoved the door shut and threw his keys and the keycard onto the small table near the door. He shifted his gaze to her.

"What are you doing here Juliet?"

"Looking for you."

"Yeah why?"

"Because you are my husband and we need to talk about something."

"Yeah well couldn't you wait till I got home and knocked?"

"I could but I didn't have to when the young girl at the desk gave me a keycard because I told her I was your wife."

"Out with it and then get out." he snapped and he walked by her.

"Oh I see grumpy Shawn is back again. What happened to upset you?"

"Nothing. If this is all you want to talk about you can just get out now." He threw open the small fridge and pulled out a beer. She grabbed it out of his hand before he could even open it.

"Shawn you want to get drunk that's fine but do it after I leave okay."

"Get out then!"

"No not till we talked."

"Say it then." he snapped wishing he could get rid of her. She had her hair down and curled softly and she was wearing a dark navy blue pantsuit that hugged her every curve. She made him want to confide in her, and talk to her. He felt this churning in his stomach as everyone was always at him he couldn't escape them they were everywhere.

"Yang is most likely going to be set free tomorrow and I just want to let you know that I am being called as a character witness on her behalf." Shawn stared at her.

"So?"

"So, I thought you deserved a heads up she was obsessed with you since you were eight Shawn." Shawn grabbed the beer out of her hand and opened it.

"Juliet I don't care. So if that's all you wanted to tell me go home I have some packing to do."

"Oh because I know where you are you have to find a new motel right?"

"No actually I am leaving Santa Barbara for good. I should never have stayed in this place for so long as it was." he slammed the beer down and grabbed his duffel bag and opened the small dresser there was in the room and began throwing his clothes into it.

"The hell you are!" Juliet immediately grabbed his clothes out of the duffel bag. He walked up to her and glared down at her. "You are not running away." she poked him in the chest. "Is this because in a week it's the anniversary of when we found you?" she demanded and Shawn felt the words slice him open. He reared away from her.

"Don't ever speak about that time to me ever again." he whispered savagely. He trembled as thoughts of the worst time in his life tried to bubble up and choke him.

"I'm right aren't I?"

"Stop it Juliet."

"No you stop it Shawn you stop running for one damn minute and let me in!"

"Why is everyone badgering me!" he shouted at her and she stared at him and he knew she didn't know he just got back from Vivian's and had run into Gus.

"Shawn no one is badgering you we want to help you."

"But what if I don't want it?" he growled. "What if I don't want your help Juliet. What if I just want to exist and not be anything?"

"Never Shawn you never wanted that. You were a selfish ass sometimes. You were also immature and could be oblivious and naïve. But you never ever stopped loving life and stopped living it. I am not going to let those monsters take that from you. You can fight me till forever and I will be by your side."

"Give up on me I have." he closed his eyes wanting her to just do as he asked just once and just give up he was so tired of fighting. He felt her soft hands on his cheeks.

"Never love." she whispered and he felt a gentle sweep of her lips on his cheek and god help him he couldn't push her away. He moved his head and caught her lips and she moaned softly as he pulled her to him desperately. He felt like his entire soul was exposed and he couldn't do a damn thing to hide it. He had to have her. He had to try to get rid of this feeling that he was being buried underneath all the pain and anguish he felt. He shoved his tongue deep into her mouth and lifted her up off the floor roughly grabbing her. She broke the kiss to burrow her mouth into his neck. He walked them the few steps to the bed and laid her down.

"I have to be inside you." he whimpered, as he quickly began unbuttoning her shirt. She didn't say anything but reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He heard a piercing sound and he pulled back. When it happened again he knew it was her cell phone.

"Don't stop Shawn please." she whispered. "I need you."

"Answer the phone Jules." he quickly climbed off of her and began pacing back and forth in the motel room feeling like he was suffocating inside here he felt like was going to crawl up the walls any moment. She sat up and grabbed at her purse that was on the floor. She pulled her cell phone out angrily and clicked the button and put it to her ear.

"WHAT?" Shawn heard her snap the word out to whomever was on the other end. "No its okay just bad timing." she eyed him and he turned away from her not wanting to look at her anymore. "He said what? Thanks talk to you later." she sighed and hung up and then lifted her blue gaze onto him.

"Shawn-"

"You need to go now." he said without looking at her.

"Don't leave please Shawn. Just promise me you won't leave Santa Barbara."

"Jules I'm leaving and there is nothing you can do to make me stay." Shawn whispered and she nodded her head. She ran over to him and kissed him. Shawn sighed hating that he couldn't not react to her. He kissed her back hungrily. She was the first one to pull away.

"Please." she whispered. "If you ever loved me you will not leave Santa Barbara tonight." he searched her eyes and wondered why it mattered when he left.

"Jules what's the difference if I leave today or tomorrow?"

"Big. Promise me Shawn you won't leave tonight."

"Jules…"

"Promise me Shawn!"

"Fine I'll leave tomorrow I won't leave tonight."

"Thank you." she whispered and with that she whirled around and ran out the door leaving him to wonder what kind of phone call she just got.

* * *

"What the hell haven't you been telling me!" Carlton looked up when he saw his partner and friend rushing in with Guster hot on her trail. Both looked none to happy at the moment and he watched as she walked purposely up to him.

"What are you talking about O'Hara?"

"Conference room NOW!" she demanded and he saw tears swimming in her eyes and he had no idea what was going on, but neither Guster nor Juliet appeared too happy with him. He nodded his head and stood up. He walked behind her and slowly towards the conference room and she slammed the door shut behind him.

"What the hell has gotten into you O'Hara?"

"What are you keeping from me and Gus?" he could hear the edginess to her voice as if she was on the verge of breaking down.

"What are you talking about?" his eyes searched hers and then Guster's and then back to her eyes before Guster spoke up.

"I saw Shawn today, and he told me something that I never thought he would." Carlton took the look in Guster's eyes, and didn't think whatever Spencer had said was good.

"I bite what?"

"I was trying to get him to open up about what happened to him, and he said something that threw me off."

"What I have a job to do Guster?"

"He said to ask you Lassie!" Carlton felt his heart drop into his stomach and he stilled. "He told me to ask you what happened to him."

"Spencer said that."

"Yeah and by the way you just reacted Carlton tells me you know something that we don't! Now what is it." Juliet whispered fiercely and he saw the betrayed look in her eyes. He knew that she would feel this way if she ever found out what happened, but he had to keep quiet even if it destroyed their friendship and partnership.

"Spencer told you to come and ask me?" Carlton wished he could hate Spencer right now but couldn't. Spencer knew he wouldn't say anything and that's why he lead them to him.

"Yes. He insinuated that you might know what happened to him."

"Carlton I am your partner and friend."

"I know that. But sometimes other things trump that."

"He's my husband!" she growled angrily as she stepped directly in front of him and he saw the utter look of rage in her eyes. The situation sucked royally, and Carlton lifted his hands up angrily.

"He made me promise NOT to tell anyone. Spencer made me promise not to tell a soul and I made that promise to him."

"YOU WERE THE ONE TO FIND MY HUSBAND AND YOU RADIOED ME AFTER! NOW TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WASN'T THERE CARLTON!" she screamed and he could hear the hysteria in her voice and he knew she was trying to keep herself together but was failing miserably.

"I can't do that O'Hara."

"Why not!"

"I promised Spencer I wouldn't ever tell anyone even if they asked if I knew something."

"TELL ME NOW!" she said low and slowly allowing him to see exactly how upset she was at the moment as her icy gaze never wavered from him.

"Even if you hate me forever I will never break the promise I made to Spencer."

"Even if I can save him? Even if whatever you are holding back from us could be the thing that we can use to get past the demons that are destroying the man I love?"

"I'm sorry Juliet I can't. He was dying when I made that promise, and I will not break it no matter what." Carlton felt the harsh sting of her slap and he watched the tears fall down her face as he tried to rub away the sting. "I'm sorry."

"That's not good enough Carlton. Please help me save my husband." she sobbed and he looked down.

"Please Lassiter it might be our only way." Gus added his own plea and Carlton sighed wanting to tell them knowing that it could be the thing that saved her marriage to Spencer, but could he break a promise he made to a man that was dying?

"You are asking me to break a promise I made to a dying man. I don't take those promises lightly." he growled growing angry at them for trying to make him do so.

"He's dying right now Carlton. If I don't figure out a way to get through to him I am going to lose him and he's going to let himself rot away and I can't let that happen. So I am begging you to please tell me what happened." Carlton nodded his head and knew that she was right. Spencer was slowly spiraling out of control and if no one brought him back from the brink it was going to be too late. He grabbed her arms to steady her a little as her entire body trembled.

"Listen to me Juliet I still have nightmares of the moment I found your husband in that old rundown mental institution he was held at it." he said quietly wanting her to understand the gravity of what he was about to tell her. She nodded her head even as tears kept falling from her eyes.

"Tell me please."

"I had my gun drawn as I took the steps two at a time as I could hear an odd whimpering noise. Honestly Juliet to me it sounded not even human but as I entered the basement I saw two dead men the men that had taken Shawn, and they had gunshot wounds to the forehead." he said quietly watching her as he spoke. He flicked his harsh blue gaze to Guster who appeared to be extremely pale but he hadn't ran out yet to lose his lunch in the toilet as of yet. "At first I didn't see Shawn anywhere but I kept hearing that same sound that makes me sick to the stomach to this day. I looked around and saw something leaning up against the wall."

"O-okay."

"Juliet I didn't even recognize him at first I didn't know what I was seeing till I got closer and I did retch from the smell of blood in the air, and the sight he made literally almost brought me to my knees. I know he didn't hear or see me at first. Shawn was covered in blood he didn't have a shirt on and he had an open wound that scared me at how much blood was pouring out of it. It was Shawn that was making the odd murmuring noises as he could barely talk and I saw his lips turning blue."

"Oh." she closed her eyes and started to cry harder. She reached her hands up to her ears as if listening to the agony her husband went through was going to destroy her. He grabbed her hands roughly and yanked them down and held her arms roughly in his.

"Juliet look at me." he demanded, and her eyes opened and he saw the anguish in her depths that matched his own. "I looked around away from him and saw instruments that had blood on it. There were knives and needles and drills and everything you can think of that brought your husband intense pain and agony Juliet. I went to him and I pulled my jacket off and I tried to stop the bleeding but I realized something before I touched him.

"What?" she whispered

"He was holding something to his chest."

"What was he already trying to stop the bleeding?" he looked away and shook his head.

"No he was cradling a body as he mumbled something."

"What?" Juliet shook her head. No one ever mentioned a third body! "No there were only two bodies and they were the men that did these horrible things to my husband!" Carlton shook his head.

"That's not true there was another body but that info was never released to the press really never released to anyone."

"What?"

"Just the chief, and I know of the body and a handful of other officers as well. You were too distraught over Spencer to even care about the case."

"What body?"

"It was a body of a five year old little girl. Her identity to this day is unknown as there were no missing children's reports that matched her description that we could see." Carlton said quietly knowing Guster and Juliet were finally getting the picture now.

"Shawn was cradling this child to his chest?"

"Yes and once he realized I was there he told me to save her first." Carlton whispered.

"She was alive?"

"No Juliet she wasn't. Shawn had been holding the dead child in his arms for how long I'm not sure. I'm not sure if he realized it or not at the time but the child had been cut open and had her heart taken out." he looked down when he heard a shuddered gasp.

"Oh god."

"When I told Shawn the child was dead he didn't want to believe me and he tried to revive her even as he was bleeding to death."

"Why did you keep this to yourself, why did the chief? Why didn't anyone tell me! Shawn thinks he doesn't deserve us that he doesn't deserve to live and now I know why!"

"I tried to stop his bleeding, god he was losing so much blood Juliet it was scary at how much was pouring out of him. He asked me to make a promise to him. And I told him I'd do anything to bring him some peace, and he asked me to never tell you or anyone about the little girl that he couldn't save. So we never did."

"Oh god Shawn has to blame himself for her death."

"Why did they do this?" Gus asked to no one in particular. "Why did those men take Shawn, and then take a little girl of no more then five and torture them?"

"I don't know but I think Spencer might know why the little girl was taken, and why he was as well."

"I hope I might be able to get to through to my husband with this new information." she whispered as she wiped the tears that fell down. The door to the conference room opened slightly.

"Everything alright in here?" Carlton nodded his head to the chief.

"Chief remember when you said that if there was anything that you could to help you'd do it?"

"Yes and I meant it Detective Spencer anything at all."

"Good I need a favor."

"What is it?"

"I need tomorrow off."

"You could ask for more then that, how about the rest of the week and next as well. You do still need to go the hearing on the behalf of Violet Robmonson but otherwise go be with your husband."

"Thank you chief." she nodded and Carlton watched as she walked out slowly with Gus rubbing her back as he walked with her.

"What happened Lassiter?"

"I don't know if I helped Juliet save her husband or push him away further but either way I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me."

* * *

Juliet sat in her car near Shawn's motel room and was thankful that Shawn had kept his promise of not leaving. She eyed herself in the small rearview mirror and saw the paleness to her cheeks. She grabbed the bag of Chinese dinner she was too sick with worry to eat. She knew that Shawn and her were going to fight but she hoped at the end of it she might get him to let go, and acknowledge that it wasn't his fault that the little girl died. She walked with the bag of food to his door and hesitated for a moment before knocking. When no one answered she glowered.

"Shawn I know you are in there so open up!" she shouted not wanting to play the games. She heard a sound and then the door opened. He stood in front of her looking like he was ready to fall over if a strong wind blew by. She shoved past him and entered.

"Jules go away."

"No, we are going to eat some dinner and then we are going to have a long discussion."

"Oh joy." sarcasm dripped from his voice.

"If you promise to eat dinner with me and then talk to me I will sign the divorce papers." she said keeping her face neutral not showing any tell to him that she had something up her sleeve. He eyed her and he searched her face as if trying to figure out what she was hiding.

"Promise?"

"I promise Shawn. But you do not get to decide when the conversation is over only I do got it?"

"It is a deal Jules." a ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. She nodded and put the food down on the small table. They rummaged inside till they each got their food and chopsticks and Shawn dug into the food. She secretly smiled as he inhaled his food. She took a slower time eating hers because she had to fight each bite down without vomiting it back up. She kept her eyes on her husband who wasn't looking at her but at the carton. Now it made sense, the denial that he was good enough for her, the anguish he was always in. He couldn't save a five year old little girl and it was eating away at him. Why couldn't he just tell her this? Why couldn't he tell anyone for that matter? Why did he want to place the whole world onto his shoulders? She watched as he finished his food and she smiled.

"A bit hungry?" she asked quietly.

"A bit."

"Well maybe if you ate better then you wouldn't be so hungry all the time." he didn't answer her but he turned away and threw away his trash in the wastebasket near the table.

"You hardly even ate." he said and she eyed her carton and realized she hadn't. She was just picking at it with her chopsticks. She put it down and stared at him.

"I don't have an appetite tonight."

"Whatever it is you want to talk about must be serious."

"It is. Its about us Shawn. It is about you and me."

"There is no us anymore Juliet. Once you have that understood signing those divorce papers will be much easier."

"Tell me what happened."

"You already know."

"Not from you, never from you. I heard from doctors telling me that you were pieced back together and I almost lost you with the amount of blood you lost." she watched him begin to pace.

"There isn't anything else to say Juliet."

"Don't you dare lie to me Shawn."

"Lie, Juliet there is nothing else to it those men did what they did."

"What did they do?"

"You know!"

"I know that they cut you open. That's all you said."

"You know the rest!"

"NOT FROM YOU!" she shouted. "You're not hearing me when I say I want to hear it from you. Tell me why I shouldn't love you anymore. Tell me why I deserve better then you and maybe I'll agree."

"Juliet!"

"Unless you don't want me to know, because you don't want to lose me that you don't want me to move on as you claim."

"I want you to sign the divorce papers!"

"You are horrible liar Shawn. You used to be pretty good remember when I bought into your act as the psychic." she growled. "So where the hell is that guy huh because right now baby you are failing miserably at convincing me that there is nothing else to say."

"Go to hell Juliet."

"Shawn without you I'm there right now. And you lived your own hell a year ago and have been there ever since."

"Juliet there is nothing else you need to know that will change anything."

"Oh I beg to differ Shawn." she said quietly standing up and watched him as he turned his back on her. She gathered her courage. "Who was the little girl?" she demanded with a wobbly voice as she watched his entire body still and his back went rigid.

"Excuse me?" he whispered as he turned around. The look in his face sent shivers down her spine.

"The little girl you know the one that was dead that you were holding."

"He told you?"

"Oh you mean Carlton. Yes he told me everything, it wasn't really fair of you to make him promise that."

"Get out."

"Nu-uh unless of course you don't want me to sign the divorce papers. Remember I get to choose when we are done talking Shawn."

"I said get OUT!" he yelled at her, and she saw the tears brimming in his eyes.

"Who was she?" he put his hands to his ears.

"Get out just get out now." he whimpered and he squeezed his eyes shut.

"No." his eyes opened and she saw nothing in them and it scared her. He walked up to her and grabbed her arm and she knew he was going to try to force her out. She wrapped her free arm around his neck. "I am not going anywhere Shawn." she felt the trembling in his hand that held hers in an iron tight clasp. She bumped her hips into his and burrowed in close to him knowing he'd never hurt her in a million years. He let go of her arm and desperately wrapped his arms around her waist and she felt him shudder against her. "Oh baby its okay." she whispered when she heard the sobs escaping him. His tears were hot against her neck almost burning her as he held onto her tightly his fingers digging painfully into her hips but it didn't matter. She followed him down when he lost his ability to stand and she held his shaking body that heaved as each new sob escaped him. They were on their knees, her holding him to her while he lost himself in his pain. She never seen this amount of pain ever in one person and Shawn had been bottling it up for a year now. "I'm here love." she whispered out loud as his sobs seemed to quieted down.

"Jules you need to go." he whispered raggedly. She pulled back and looked into the haunted depths and shook her head.

"Talk to me."

"About her. I can't." tears filled his eyes once more as if just the mere mention of the young child could destroy him.

"Okay I won't push you to tell me about her tonight. But you need to do something for me."

"What?"

"Come back home."

"Juliet…."

"No Shawn, no more running. Let me prove to you that I can handle it Shawn. Let me prove to you that I will love you no matter what, so come back home with me tonight, right now." she said and put her hand out waiting for him to grab it. She watched him, and then let her gaze fall to her hand that was sitting between them. He reached out and took her hand and she wanted to pump her fist in victory. They both stood up slowly holding onto each other's hand. "Lets pack your stuff up and get it back home where it belongs."

* * *

author's note: So YAY Shawn made a little progress and yes we still haven't heard yet what exactly happened nor did Shawn tell her what he exactly went through but we are getting the bigger picture and soon the action is going to start ;) And there is a hint of almost smut about to happen in this chapter but there will be some soon(ish) I promise! Thank you for reading and for those who review I love you guys :)

~Stacey


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